COLUMN: PO-TA-TOES: Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew

In honor of the upcoming Feast of St. Patrick, this issue's food column will focus on the most quintessentially Irish of foods. No, not Guinness. While most people associate potatoes with Irish cuisine, the spud (Solanum tuberosum, to be exact) comes from Peru and Chile originally. The conquistadors obtained it from the Incas (in exchange for smallpox, thanks a lot, jerks) and introduced it to Europe. Europeans were slow to adopt the lumpy vegetable, since along with tomatoes and eggplant, it belongs to a family of plants whose European members are all poisonous. Gradually, people in the poorer corners of the continent (like Ireland) discovered that potatoes were hardy, could be grown almost year round, and were insanely nutritious. Despite the bad rap they get from current dietary trends, potatoes have some of the best protein in the plant kingdom and back quite a few vitamins and minerals. Unless you're eating fries every day, potatoes are just as good for you as any other root vegetable. Today, they are the world's fourth largest food crop, with the average human eating 73 pounds of spuds each year.

Potato Basics:

1. There are three main types of potatoes that you can buy in supermarkets: white, red, and russet. Of these, white and red potatoes have thin skins that are good for soups or roasting, while russets have the thick skin that makes for amazing baked potatoes.

2. Store potatoes in a dry, dark place to keep them from sprouting. If your potatoes start to grow eyes (sprouts), remove them before cooking. While potatoes keep longer than most vegetables, they will get soft and lose their flavor if you keep them too long.

3. Potatoes grow underground, so unless you want to eat dirt and pesticides, wash them thoroughly with running water rubbing them well with your hands. If you have a clean scrubbing brush, use that.

4. Potato peel contains lots of flavor and vitamins, so don't remove it unless you absolutely have to.

5. Undercooked potato will make you sick. You should be able to slide a fork into the potato without too much force if they are done.

Potato Recipes for the Messiah College kitchen:

1. Baked Potatoes: The most elemental way of eating spuds. Simply wash some russet potatoes, puncture them with a knife so they don't explode in your oven, and bake on a dish or wrapped in foil at 400F for an hour. You can brush them with a little olive oil for extra flavor. When done, they give a little when you press them. Serve with sour cream, grated cheddar, bacon bits, green onions, salsa, chili, or whatever the heck you like with them.

2. Gameday Potato Skins: Guys, make these manly snacks for your next Call of Duty and Entourage night. Bake eight gnarly russet potatoes as described above, let them cool, and slice them in half lengthwise. While the potatoes are baking, fry up half a pound of BACON on heat 5 until crispy. Cool and crumble the bacon, being sure to dispose of the grease in the garbage, not the sink. Scoop out the insides of the potatoes, leaving a thin layer of flesh around the skin. Don't throw these insides away since you can add milk and butter to get mashed potatoes. Brush or rub the skins inside and out with canola oil, then return them to the oven in a baking dish for 10 minutes or until nice and crispy. Righteous! Sprinkle liberally with grated cheddar-y goodness and the crumbled bacon. Put the oven on broil, then pop them back in until the cheese is melted and bubbly. Ballin! Remember, leave your oven door cracked when the broiler is on. Serve with sour cream and green onions.

3. Mashed Potatoes: This is one of those times when you really should peel your spuds. Peel 2 lbs of white or russet potatoes, chop them into even-sized chunks, and sick them in a pot with enough water to cover. Boil on heat 6 until the potatoes are tender (you can slide a fork into them without pushing). Drain the water using the lid or a strainer, then mash up the potatoes with a metal fork. Add 2 tablespoons of butter or sour cream and half a cup of milk. Add salt and pepper for taste and more milk if you like your mashed potatoes creamier.

4. Potato Soup: Chop 2 medium-large yellow onions. Melt 4 tablespoons (1/4 cup) butter in a stockpot on heat 3 and sauté; the onions in it. Cover and leave to sweat until the onions are tender. Add one and a half pounds of peeled diced potatoes (any variety). Season with salt and pepper. Cover and sweat for another 10 minutes. Add 4 cups (1 quart) chicken stock and 2 cups water or milk. Bring to heat 5 and simmer until potato is tender (about 20 minutes). Puree the soup in batches using a blender. You will get a thick hearty soup that is the perfect antidote to a snowy day.

5. Roasted Red Potatoes: Preheat your oven to 350F. Chop 2 lbs. of red potatoes into fairly large chunks. Toss in a bowl with five tablespoons of olive oil, some salt, pepper, and a good pinch of fresh or dried rosemary and/or thyme. Place in a baking dish and bake until you can easily slide a knife into them.

6. Indian Mustard Potatoes: One of my favorite breakfast recipes. Slice a medium onion and a pound and a half of white or red potatoes into thin strips, no more than a quarter inch to a side. Heat 4 tablespoons of canola oil on heat 8 until it starts to smoke. Throw in a teaspoon of whole mustard seeds and immediately put the lid on, since they will pop and bounce all over the place. As soon as they are done popping, add the vegetables to cool the oil. Season with a pinch of salt, half a teaspoon of turmeric or curry powder, and half a teaspoon of cayenne powder. Continue cooking on heat 7 with frequent stirring until the potatoes are tender and slightly crispy on the outside. Serve with ketchup.

7. Potatoes Au Gratin: This potluck favorite keeps everyone happy. It's fairly easy to make and allows for some experimentation with spices and cheese type. Slice two lbs. of white or red potatoes into thin "chips." Arrange them in a greased baking dish. Cover the potatoes with one medium onion sliced into thin rings. Preheat oven to 400F. Make the sauce by making a roux (on heat 4) of 3 tablespoons each of butter and flour. Allow the roux to cook for a minute, then add two cups milk and a pinch of salt. Continue to heat until the sauce begins to thicken. Add 6-8 ounces of your favorite grated cheddar (or gruyere, or asiago, or gouda, whatever you feel like) and stir until melted. Pour on top of the vegetables and bake for one and a half hours.